Dearest physicists of the world, kindly place a beverage near a keyboard and monitor the shift in gravitational pull. Furthermore, place an alcoholic beverage near the same keyboard, and monitor the shift again.

Nothing? You’ve found nothing? Then kindly explain why it is that more richly colored sweet alcoholic beverages are spilled on keyboards and cream colored carpet than seemingly any other surface. Precisely.

Thus, should you ever find yourself in the position where you’ve spilled a tasty beverage upon your keyboard, please follow a few simple steps. First, immediately apply any and all absorbent surfaces possible to the spill. While blotting profusely, pluck out all affected keys from keyboard. Once the keyboard base is exposed, repeat aforementioned blotting.

If your cleaning supplies are adequately stocked, take this time to remove any gunk from the keyboard with a moist toilette or gentle cleansing wipe. Refuse and deny even the slightest temptation to run the keyboard under running water. Yes, without applying moisture, the keyboard risks a perennially sticky fate. However, keyboards are not swimmers, nor are they oceanic plants. Submersion is not their friend. Gentle humidity is best.

Once the base of the keyboard is cleansed and drying in a sunny corner, it is time to address the keys. This, my dear clumsy friends, is where the fun begins. The key here is to use the finest fine mesh strainer you possess. Doing so does not serve any specific purpose, save improving the hilarious grandiosity of the task.

With a steady grip on the strainer’s handle, pour the keyboard keys into the strainer and proceed to run warm water over the keys until all semblance of residue has dissipated. Once the keys are satisfactorily rinsed, place them upside down on a large cookie sheet pan. Place the sheet pan in a warm area with steady airflow.

Proceed to cross your fingers and mumble under your breath for the next few hours. If, once the keyboard is dry and the keys are replaced, you find that the keyboard does not work, pour yourself a clear alcoholic beverage to console yourself.

Once sober, proceed to the nearest grocery store or Target and purchase a sippy cup. You are hereby required to drink from this splendid device whenever near your computer, which is always. Once the sippy cup is acquired, then you may proceed to the nearest electronics store of your choosing to purchase a replacement keyboard.

And next time, if you must spill the red wine, spill it on the carpet and not the keyboard, as carpet is much easier to save. Thank you.

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